Saturday, 23 October 2010


Look to your right. See that guy. Doesn't he look amazing? Isn't there a little glint in that eye, winking out of that makeup covered face that really speaks to you?
Well... whatever.

Let's not lie. I watch this film too much.
And if you don't know what film I'm talking about, it's because you haven't lived.
It is called, "The Warriors". It was made in 1979. It has the worst script of all time. Here are some examples.

They're remaking this film. Naturally I think that that is a dreadful idea. This because I am a massive snob who hates new stuff. People often pull this sort of opinion apart. They say, "Hey liven up gramps. Get the hell off that zimmoframe and enjoy your youth and vigour."
Frankly I'd like to keep my opinion and no I'm not on the arthritis and hemorrhoids just yet.

So before the catastrophe that is the remade Warriors arrives. Get yourself a copy of the classic.

 Oh and by the by. You know what you should be tripping to the cinema to see.

“They call him Machete. He knows the score. He gets the women. And he kills the bad guys. Then, he got an offer he couldn’t refuse. Machete.”

So went the voiceover to spoof action-movie trailer Machete. Featuring a murderous Mexican, unnecessarily gratuitous violence and scenes sillier than Michael Bay’s wildest dreams, fans dubbed it the ‘Best. Trailer. Ever.’

With this pedigree, there is literally no way that Machete can be bad. No way at all. Take for example, the plot: a nasty assassin (Danny Trejo) with oversized guns (both kinds) is hired to kill a senator (Robert de Niro) for pretty much no reason. Just as he is about to take the shot he realises that he has been set up and goes on the warpath with sidekick Padre Cortez (Cheech Martin), a non-violent priest who still manages to rack up an enormous body count. Expect guns. Expect girls. Expect scenes so silly, Desperado would weep. Expect a film with its tongue so far in its cheek it resembles a hamster storing nuts for winter.

Greatest. Film. Ever. Guaranteed. 

No comments:

Post a Comment